Jewish Mothers

All mothers are sacred; but the Jewish mother has something else that gives her a sweet flavour not found in any other nation. The grandmother is explaining to her grandson, who wants to come and visit her, the address of her new house: 'You'll press number 140 with your elbow. The lift is on the right; going in, you'll press button 14 with your elbow. On the 14th floor get out and press the button of door 140 with your elbow.' 'Grandma, I understood you, but why do you tell me to press the buttons with my elbow?' 'What, you're going to come empty-handed?'

We have a daughter who lives in London. The other day she phones and asks her mother: 'Mama, how are you?' The mother answers her: 'My daughter, I'm very thin.' 'What's the matter, why have you got thin?' 'It's fifteen days that I haven't been eating.' 'What happened, why aren't you eating?' 'Because I didn't want to have my mouth full at the moment you were going to call me.'

The Jewish mother makes this announcement on the telephone: 'For Shabbat evening, if you want chicken, press 2; if you want almodrote, press 3; if you want gaya with avramila, press 4. And if you want to know how I feel, this number is wrong, because until now you haven't asked me how I am.'

The Jewish mother takes her little daughter to school, telling her: 'Precious one, sit quietly in class. Little lady, don't get dirty. Little light, don't run in the garden.' On her return in the afternoon, the mother asks her: 'Tell me, little heart, what did you learn today?' The little girl answers: 'I learned that my name is Sara.'

Mrs Levi goes to visit her son Moris, who lives with his girlfriend Rina in the same house, and realizes that her son's girlfriend is more than beautiful. From the way she was looking at the girl, the son says to his mother: 'Don't think I have relations with Rina; we each sleep in separate rooms.' After a few days Rina says to Moris: 'Since the day your mother came, the bonbon dish has disappeared; I don't believe she took it, but we can ask her to make sure.' So Moris writes to his mother: 'I'm not saying you didn't take the bonbon dish, and I'm not saying you took it; but since the day you came to see us, the bonbon dish has disappeared. Kisses, Moris.' Madam Levi answers: 'I'm not saying you don't sleep with Rina and I'm not saying you sleep with her; but if Rina were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the bonbon dish since the day I came to visit you. Kisses, Mother's pasha.' So never tell lies to a Jewish Mother.

Madam Kohen gives her son two ties as a present. After a few days the son puts on one of the ties to go and see his mother. Scarcely has she opened the door than she asks her son: 'Albertiko, didn't you like the other tie?'

Mrs Behar goes to the park with her two grandsons. They ask her: 'How old are your grandsons?' and she answers them: 'The doctor is 6, and the lawyer will be 4 soon.'

'Tell me, Roza, what do you think about the wedding of David and Sara?' 'I don't think it will last long, because I know David's mother and Sara's mother. They are two Jewish women who don't like each other.' The Jewish mother forgives and forgets, but she never forgets what she forgave.